Guest contributor- God

Hark unto me, my children, for verily I am pissed off. I really thought I had made myself clear the first time, but it seems I must reiterate. It's not "Thou shalt not kill unless told to", or "Thou shalt not kill unless they kill someone first", and it certainly isn't "Thou shalt kill willy nilly". It's very simple... Thou shalt NOT kill... ok? Not in my name... and not in anybody else's name either. It will not get you anywhere with me. If, for whatever reason, you do take another human life, do not be at all surprised to find yourself in hell. I tell you, there's souls down there that thought they were well in with me. I want to make sure such a misunderstanding never occurs again. So no more killing, ok? Seriously. I've had it. Peace out.

Scare stories

I've been reading newspapers and watching Tonight with Trevor McDonald a lot lately, and I must admit I'm absolutely bricking it about the pensions timebomb. Apparently we're all going to have to work til we're 70, which is a fucker, but then we're not going to live that long anyway, because of the obesity timebomb. I'm also a bit worried about the infertility timebomb, but I'm hoping that the population timebomb might cancel it out.

Licence to kill

If you could kill five people and get away with it, who would they be? Here's my list-

Jeremy Clarkson

Golden oldie lookin chain reaction (see what I did there?)

Last night I saw Diana Ross in concert... I'm not going to review it, as such things are simply beyond review... let's just say it blew me away. Doesn't take much to blow me away, you might say... but bollocks, you weren't there. Her voice was way better than anyone could reasonably expect, and she didn't piss about on stage either, it was hit after hit, the most unrelenting barrage of camp genius I've been subjected to since the Misfits... she finished by telling the audience to "follow their dreams", for goodness sake... I literally could not have been more happy.

The final countdown

Saddened though I was by the death of Richard Whitely, I found it surprising that none of our national newspapers went with the above headline to announce it. Wasted opportunity there.


Student TV will never be the same again.