Yesterday I had the pleasure of partaking in one of the strangest transactions of my retail non-career. First a bit of background- I work in a shop in Chester Zoo, and am in charge of the section selling books and dvds. We also sell film, disposable cameras and personalised badges, keyrings and door plaques which we engrave with people's names or whatever they ask for. On Tuesday the annual "Big Toddle", a sponsored walk that raises money for Barnados, was taking place in the zoo. This meant that the shop was busier than it would usually be on a midweek school day. A woman approached my counter and explained that she was 43, and would like a door plaque engraved for her 30 year old friend. A little more information than was strictly necessary, you might think, and indeed I did until she went on to vouchsafe to me that she wanted a gift to cheer up the friend in question, as he was feeling a bit down. He was feeling a bit down because his girlfriend had refused to have his baby. The customer was particularly taken with a tasteless and unfunny door plaque I had made, featuring the image of a seal and bearing the legend "I love clubbing". She wanted "something cool like that", but with a message more relevant to her friend's particular problem. Let me assure you, gentle reader, that the ugly vision does not shock easily, but it's fair to say that my jaw hit the deck at this point. I had never encountered anyone, outside of a mental institute, with a poorer grasp of what is appropriate. Before I could venture the opinion that this may not be the ideal gift for the occasion, she informed me that her husband had left her that morning, calling her an "embarrassment". He had woken up that morning, said "God you're an embarrassment", and walked out. The kindest thing to think is that the poor woman was still in shock, as she went on to-
Inform me that she was good friends with Peter Hook, and tell me story after story about him (I mentioned to her that I had been listening to Joy Division that morning. I should not have).
Tell me about her ex, who was asked to join The Smiths but turned it down to open his own nightclub. He left her after he decided he was bisexual.
Tell me that she has a cameo in 24 hour party people (I've never seen the film, but apparently she's the heavily pregnant woman bouncing up and down in the Hacienda. And Steve Coogan came on to her while she was pregnant).
Tell a string of appalling "chav" jokes.
Ask me for ideas for the radio show she was hosting on Sunday (Piccadilly Key 103, didn't catch the time but it has to be worth looking out for. I could make neither head nor tail of what it was about).
Tell me about the cat that she had nursed back to health, only for it to walk out on her. I'm no psychologist but I think I see a pattern emerging somewhere.
Come on to me really clumsily.
Please remember that our relationship was that of shop assistant/customer. The plaque I engraved for her ended up saying "Tupac and Elton make pennies from heaven. Coke adds life". If you have any idea what this means you are wiser than I.
Btw yes, I was a little tempted. And I wouldn't like to speculate on what that says about me.
