My Grandma is cool

I spent a jolly pleasant Easter visiting relatives that I see appallingly rarely. I had a particularly good time chatting to my maternal Grandmother, who as well as being my oldest surviving relative is also the coolest. My Grandma is cool for the following reasons-

She owns the biggest telly I've ever seen.
She loves Roy Orbison.
She had a mobile phone, but got rid 'cos she couldn't get the hang of texting.
She uses the phrase "I can't be arsed".
She was 20 in 1950, and witnessed the arrival of rock n' roll to these shores.
I showed her my ipod and she said she wanted one. I played her Antony and the Johnsons and she declared it "lovely".
She owns a copy of Bjork's "Medulla" album.

Can anyone beat that?

As often happens when one visits relatives, I found myself looking through old photographs. There was a piss-funny one of my Uncle and his mates on a basketball tour in Germany, going dangerously close to a Hippo in the zoo (it actually looked like they'd jumped the fence to go right up to it). The picture that really took me aback, though, was one of my Mum and Dad in the early seventies. Seeing my own parents in the first flush of young love, dressed in trendy clothes, fucking blew my mind. My Dad had longish hair and they were both wearing flares. Of course I knew that they were around and having fun before I was born, I'd just never really thought about it before. My Mum was also quite moved when I showed her the photo. I guess everyone has a kind of blind spot when it comes to their own family.

Anthem

I won't go down the horrible street
To see the horrible people
I'll gladly climb the terrible stair
That leads to the terrible steeple
And the terrible rats
And the terrible bats
And the cats in the terrible steeple
But I won't go down the horrible street
To see the horrible people

People that define certain words

Christopher Walken- Cool

Robert Kilroy-silk- Bigot

Piers Morgan- Oaf

My mate Chris- Gay

Tommy Lee- Duuuuude

Craig Bellamy- Prick

Boris Johnson- Buffoon

Prince Philip- Anachronism

Matthew Wright- Ghastly

Gary Lineker- Nice

Tim Cahill- Feisty

Courtney Love- Mess

Nicola Roberts- Runcorn

Anyone got any more?

Hogzilla

I feel a great sense of relief on behalf of the people of Alpaha, GA, whose resident giant hog has finally been declared genuine. No longer must their "insides bubble" with the anticipation of embarrassment. They can now hold their heads high in the international community. Alpaha, and Hogzilla, The Ugly Vision salutes you.

Huey Lewis and the News

Just been re-reading American Psycho and it occurs to me that when I write about music, e.g. the Robert Pollard post the other week, I sound a lot like Pat Bateman. If I start going on about clothes and restaurants you should probably worry.

Shock and awe

I'm not turning this page into the Joe fan site but his last couple of blog entries have been so fucking funny that I have to point them out.

If I ever get to use the words "oh how hip" in a disparaging way I'll die a happy man.

One man's struggle

Everyone who enjoys Westerning the old Gulliver should take a really good look at The Victorian Computer. Bloody Joe Tucker blowing his own bleedin' trumpet as per, but it's a blimmin' good trumpet and everyone should have a ruddy big toot on it, says I.

BBCI Radio 6

Those of you with access to digital radio (i.e. everyone with internet access, i.e. you) might like to tune in to BBC 6Music at about 2.15 on tues (22nd March, I think) afternoon to hear me attempting to answer questions on alternative music on Vic McGlyn's show. I'm going to have to listen to the show myself between now and then cos I've never actually heard it before. I applied totally on a whim, don't even know what the prizes are.

Thanks to myspace I'm now officially a "friend" of Prefuse 73. As you can imagine, this has lead to me walking around thinking I'm cock of the walk. In a really pathetic way.

He's going on about that band again

The following vinylage arrived yesterday-

Robert Pollard-Zoom (It Happens All Over The World) 7". The first post-GBV release from Uncle Bob sees him giving free rein to both his love of the Beatles and his modern art fetish. The first track (Dr.Fuji And Henry Charleston) is a gorgeous folky instrumental that features arguably the most intricate and accomplished musicianship ever heard on a Pollard release. The title track is pure British Invasion. The songs are interspersed with samples of a Midwesterner discussing conceptual art with a German girl. In short, all the signs are there that the upcoming solo album will be boss on toast. It should be noted that all the other musicians involved are former GBV members.

Guided By Voices-Bee Thousand (The Directors Cut). A four-record set featuring most of tracks recorded during the sessions for GBV's 1994 classic, this tenth anniversary release obviously isn't as good as the original (what is?) but is still ludicrously enjoyable listening. It's one for the completists, especially as most of the "new" tracks have already appeared on either Suitcase or King Shit and the Golden Boys, but bugger me it's a lovely bit of vinyl. Btw, I'd like whoever has my original Bee Thousand CD to step forward- Paul Rafferty I'm looking in your direction.

In less happy news, it would appear that my bride-to-be Pramila has been cheating on me- and to make matters worse, she's been boasting about her exploits online. I may need to put my foot down.

Rest in peace Tommy Vance. You used to make a daft teenager very happy on Friday nights (I'm talking about the rock show, sickos).

Guilty Pleasures

A lot has been written about guilty pleasures lately, presumably inspired by the recently released compilation albums of the same name. I'm not talking about sexual perversions (for once), but rather the films, books, TV and music that we can't help enjoying, despite knowing in our heart of hearts that it's absolute crap. We all have them- there's no point denying their existence- but why? Why should we enjoy something that's bad, and, conversely, how can something be bad if we enjoy it? (repeat- I'm not talking about sex). In the case of film, it's not difficult to see how such phenomena could come about- American Pie and Road Trip might be slices of pure cinematic garbage but they're a damn enjoyable way to kill ninety-odd minutes. Likewise, a lot of the TV I enjoy- Coronation Street, Friends, Wife Swap- is entirely unimproving and sometimes downright reprehensible, but isn't that kind of the point of TV, a bit of dumb entertainment at the end of the day?

In the case of music, however, it's less easy to understand how and why guilty pleasures should exist. Surely if music sounds good, it is good- sounding good is its job! It seems likely that a feeling of guilt over our musical tastes arises due to the fashion constraints of the day, a prescribed perception of "cool". For example, it is now perfectly acceptable for the self-conscious fashionista to admit to a fondness for Iron Maiden, whereas ten years ago such an admittance would have left them open to ruthless taunts and/or ostracism by their peers. Such was the uncoolness of Maiden that partaking in their music was a pleasure so guilty it was most likely consummated only in private, with the doors locked and the curtains closed. Under the bedsheets.

I don't think guilty pleasures are merely a matter of fashion, though. I have always loved Iron Maiden, cool or uncool, and have never had any qualms about admitting it. They make brilliant, heavy, emotional, intelligent music and I see no need to feel any guilt about enjoying it. That's not to say that I don't have my guilty pleasures. Like most people that are fond of music, I have certain criteria which I couldn't quite put into words, but which guide my musical judgment. Every so often I hear a song that fails to meet any of these criteria but nevertheless sends shivers up my spine. Come on, we've all been there! The logical part of your brain thinks "turn this crap off" but the carnal, emotional part screams "give me more!"

I'm going to share my biggest guilty musical pleasures with you, and I'd be obliged if you'd share yours. We're all friends here- it'll do you good! I'll go first-

The first Shed Seven album
Early Status Quo (admittedly, they played a completely different style of music back then)
10cc (They did have some genuinely good songs, but I like the ones that aren't good as well)
Rush's 2112 (It's awful! But it's amazing! But it's awful! But it's amazing!)

I can't think of anything else. Remember, a guilty pleasure should be bad but enjoyable, not good but uncool.

What Katy Did

Why is it always so easy to kill soap opera characters with a single blow to the head?

Bands/musicians that I've met

Inspired by Danny Nash.

L7
Paradise Lost
Therapy?
Obituary
Kerbdog
Henry Rollins
Chris Haskett
Alec Empire
Bis
Guided by Voices
Leatherface
Downset
Koufax
Kevin Devine
Chris Kontos (Machine Head's old drummer)
Warrior Soul
Burning Brides
Mates of State
Antiproduct
Wool
Sick of it all
H2O
Queens of the stone age
Terrorvision
Victor FME
Spike from 911
The bass player from Skunk Anansie

Moi aussie

This is what passes for news in Melbourne.

Hip Hop Forever

A program by the above name was on very late last night- an attempt to relate the history of hip-hop to an ITV audience. It was quite shit, annoyingly jumping back and forth chronologically and focusing on artists lesser works rather than their defining moments. For example, Snoop's "Tha Doggfather" was covered, but not "Doggystyle"- likewise, MC Hammer's "Pray" but not "U can't touch this". It did, however, serve to remind me how boss British acts like the Wee Papa Girl Rappers and Cookie Crew were. It also provided a fine moment of comedy during an interview with Snoop Dogg. He was giving the typical grown-up, anti-gang, "we just wanna tell the kids they don't have ta go the way we went" speech- whilst clad in a Crips bandana. Ya beauty.

Btw, the Wu-Tang Clan are the best thing ever to happen to hip-hop- discuss. But don't bother discussing it with me, cos my mind's made up.

You know what really pisses me off

Is when I publish a post but it doesn't show up in my blog for like, days. Maybe publishing a new one will make the old one appear.

Watch out for the ides an tha

Isn't March a cool month? You never know from one day to the next if you're going to see bright sunshine, snow, torrential rain... it's like someone's put the weather on shuffle. Of course, it could be argued that the British weather's always like that. But I love it when you start getting the first little glimpses of Spring... the realization that the seemingly endless Winter's about to be sent packing, albeit not without a fight. Birds nesting, thoughts turning towards festivals... and if it's true that Maiden and the Pixies are doing Reading, count me right in.

Danny has started posting again. Please hear what he has to say. He knows everything.

Current listening- "Nuggets- original artyfacts from the first psychedelic era". Sheer bossness.