Guest contributor- Tommy Lee

That's right, I'm back baby! So how ya been? Dunc says he's taking a "hiatus from being a human being"... dunno what crawled up his ass but anyway, he's asked me to fill in for a while.
So how ya been? Shit, I asked that already... I hope y'all had a new year to rank with the very best. I know I did. Real mellow, just me and Heather- sorry Pammy- shit, I mean Donna, no, that ain't right... that chick, ya know, she was in the Warrant video that time? The one I married just after thanksgiving, before I went to Japan... shit, she's gonna have my balls for this... anyway, just me and her and the kids- two of hers and one of mine, and that one that's both of ours. Real mellow, a meal and a glass of wine, ya know I'm sober now, but I figured shit, it's new year dude. So just a coupla glasses of wine, and a little pot. Then waddaya know, that crazy sonuvabitch Nikki swings by- turns out he had a bust-up with that chick he's married to. So we decide to freebase a little cocaine, ya know, for old times sake, but I'm sober and responsible now, so I can't do that shit in front of the kids no more. So we head out to this titty bar on the strip, get high, a few tequila shooters, a coupla hookers, a little horse- real mellow. So who do we run into but Van Persie, ya know, that lawyer we fired... or did we? Whatever dude, he decides to get all up in my face about being drunk, ya know, and violating my parole and shit. And he's all like, "we told ya, Tommy, you've had your last warning", and I'm all like, "no one gives me a last warning", and I'm all like "fuck you, man", and he's all like "no, fuck YOU, man". And ya know Nikki, he's all about that anger management shit these days, dude, but enough's enough, ya know, so he like, slings the Jack bottle at Van Persie's head, and there's like, blood everywhere, dude... so the cops show up, and they're all like, "we're taking your ass to jail, man" and I'm all like "fuck you, man" and they're all like, "no, fuck YOU, man!". So yeah, a real mellow new year, and don't worry, dude, cos they got the internet in here and I should get out well in time for the UK gigs.

What, ya didn't hear? Oh baby, where ya been dude? That's right, the Crue are back, badder than ever, and hittin' the UK in June! Ain't that just enough ta make you cream in ya pants, dude? Yeah, I'm so totally stoked about these new shows, it's gonna be the shit. Rock n' roll is baaaaaaaaccck, dude! Just so long as that fat fuck Vince doesn't try to get up in my face again, dude. I tell ya, I've had all I can take of his shit. I'm just about ready ta quit this goddam band...